Is This Real Life?

As someone who spends a lot of time in her head, fantasy is familiar to me. There is both safety and danger in this realm. Today I'm going to write about something that sometimes I struggle with. This is definitely going to be difficult to write.

Fantasy as an Escape

When I was in high school, our health book had a section on psychological well being. One page listed out, with short blurbs, various coping mechanisms people use to deal with a negative experience. The one I remember most vividly was "escapism" which was described as someone who retreats into their head and daydreams. (I'm heavily paraphrasing here but that's how I remember it.) Reading this in high school, I felt angry that such a thing was considered a negative coping mechanism. The book favored proactive and positive reactions which for a shy introvert is incredibly difficult if not more psychologically damaging.

Now full blown escapism is definitely dangerous. It avoids the problem or ignores it or becomes a delusion. As a victim of bullying, fantasy can be a safe haven because in your fantasy world YOU are in control. Control of the situation makes it appealing and empowering, since in reality bullies take your power away.

Pretty much all geek activity offers some sort of escape from reality. At a convention, you can dress up as a favorite character and not receive strange looks. Playing in a LARP or D&D session or an MMORPG, places you in a different world unlike our own where you can be anything, but you. (Not that there's anything inherently wrong with any of these activities! I don't claim everyone uses these as an escape, I'm just trying to make a point.)

Fantasy can be constructing a safe-place to go to for your mind if you are dealing with trauma or even abuse. It's also a safe-place to go if you are often rejected by peers, social groups etc. It allows your mind to stop thinking about the rejection and simulates acceptance. Such a thing can often lead to disappointment in reality and a preference to the fantasy. It helps avoid the problem.

Fantasy as Distraction

Blaise Pascal in his Pensees often talks of Diversions and Man's condition.

171. Misery. -- The only thing which consoles us for our miseries is diversion, and yet this is the greatest of our miseries. For it is this which principally hinders us from reflecting upon ourselves and which makes us insensibly ruin ourselves. Without this we should be in a state of weariness, and this weariness would spur us to seek a more solid means of escaping from it. But diversion amuses us, and leads us unconsciously to death.

Diversion sounds pretty grim but at the same time an almost necessary thing. To alleviate man's inevitable misery, distraction feels necessary. So long as the distraction does not last forever, it can be a good thing. Dwelling on a problem or negative emotion can be harmful. It can hinder recovery. At the same time, ignoring the feeling can cause festering.

Humans are not meant to be happy 24/7. Culturally this is what is expected. We MUST be happy all the time, nothing should be wrong with us. "How are you?" "Good." Anything that is not a positive response is met with surprise. Misery is normal, but it is often treated as abnormal. Feeling bad feels is actually good. I know for me personally when feeling low, I can step outside my "feels" and say "I know this sucks but at the same time it's not bad. It hurts but it's okay to hurt." It's part of being refined by fire and this gives me hope.

Emotional diversion is one thing but there's also the risk of distraction from responsibilities. For instance, instead of doing homework or housework, I might distract myself with playing a game. In my case I usually distract myself from sleeping by my over active imagination.

At the same time, periods of rest for the brain are good. Studying or physical labor drain us and entertainment is necessary.

Fantasy as Pleasure

There is a great deal of enjoyment to be harvested from fantasy. Thus the desire to spend much time devoted to it. As with all pleasure in life, moderation is required. It's a terribly overused mantra but still quite necessary: Everything is good in moderation. However, it is our sinful nature that makes reigning in our desires difficult and we might fail. That's okay too, God is forgiving AND understanding.

It is not good to go into extremes and condemn pleasure as evil outright. And although it feels like I've been condemning fantasy in this post, I'm really not trying to. It seems obvious (at least to me) that like anything that is pleasurable has a time and place.

Most of my favorite writers USE fantasy and it's pleasure to teach bitter lessons. C.S. Lewis and his Chronicles of Narnia was in a way an escape for the young children in war-torn England. Fantasy is kind of old hat when moral lessons are involved.

Reality

 Part of why living in your own fantasy is potentially harmful is that it can cause a dissatisfaction with the current state of a person's life. It in a way rejects the  amazing world which God made and makes us a little god in a world which we create. It will be in all ways inferior to reality. It can pull us away from the present moment in which we have to live.

However, because of the fall and sin, the world can be dark, scary and plain unpleasant. This is not part of the plan. There is something in human nature that desires a world without the darkness and unpleasantness. We want an Elysium and we can make something like that in our minds. There is a real reality that makes our own world like passing shadows. (I'm thinking of C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce" right now.)

In our current culture it seems that there is perhaps a desire for adventure, to prove our worth, test our mettle physically but there are only a few ways to do that. Joining the Army (which not everyone can do), going on an adventurous vacation (which not everyone can afford), or "playing pretend" (which can feel pretty childish) seem to be the only ways which this desire can manifest.

I recently watched a vlog about "synthetic relationships" and how it has been affecting Japan. I'll link it here but heavy warning that there are some mildly explicit imagery (to prove his point, he does put up a warning) so it's not necessarily safe for work, but it does illustrate perfectly the dangers that can face society when a fantasy is preferred to reality: Game Exchange: Dating Sims and Synthetic Relationships.

Conclusion

This topic comes up to me as something I usually get defensive about. I fall into fantasy way more than I care to admit, but whenever I do I have this nagging voice telling me that I'm just playing pretend. But the good thing it does is lead me to question: What am I trying to avoid? Why do I like this? Is it good? Is this something that makes me ill-prepared to deal with life's real problems?

I like fantasy. It's a fun diversion, but I can't live in a bubble world. My goodness this makes me think of an Eiffel65 song: Bubble World. Definitely sums up what I want to say with auto-tune. Ha ha!

Introversion, Catholics and St. Joseph

This past Sunday, I had a mini-crisis of faith. I judged myself harshly and thought that God was probably angry at me.

I consider myself well educated in my faith and I continue to study, learn and grow. However, I know I can be wrong very often because organizing my thoughts takes a good deal of time and I want to look up teachings to be sure I'm not preaching heresy. 

On Sunday, we had a gathering of many small Christian groups for a brunch and reflection. The food was great but I sat near people that were familiar to me. We ate, socialized and then started the meeting. We broke off into groups where we were forced to sit with people that were not from our group. Naturally, this breaking out of the comfort zone was uncomfortable. We re-read the gospel reading where Jesus' command was to love others as He loves us. 

There were two reflection questions that we were discuss:

1) How does God relate His love to You? And how do you Relate that love to others.

2) Who demonstrates this love of God to you?

The first question really gave me a start and I started to think very hard. My thought process was: 

What did this question even mean? What is it really asking? Do I talk about what God has done for me or about his presence? This is kind of a personal question. Sometimes I'm an irrational being that believes God DOESN'T love me. (like I said, irrational...and even in my irrational thought I'm aware I'm being irrational. It just can't be stopped.) Is this about feelings? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS QUESTION!!! 

All the while other people in my small group are talking. An outgoing, chatty young woman answered almost immediately, while I was still mulling the question in my head. She began speaking on how much she felt God's love through the Eucharist and the self-sacrifice which she tried to show others. Which affected my thought flow.

Thought flow: Sacraments, why didn't I think of that? Duh, this should be an easy question to answer if these individuals are so quick to answer. It's so obvious to them! Why is this so difficult for me? I've studied my faith for years and I pray to God constantly. By the way God, this question is really confusing. I know there's not an obvious right/wrong answer but I'm feeling under pressure here. 

More people talk and share how they volunteer and share God's good news with others. How they work with their family and children who have bi-polar problems. (The day before I partook in a chaplet of Divine Mercy on the radio where intentions were offered for a woman with bi-polar and other mental problems.) Now the social pressure is mounting. Part of me felt like I had to show that I was JUST as Catholic as these folks. Except I don't have a family of my own and my relatives live thousands of miles away. I also don't volunteer because I don't have the time in my situation. (Single, live alone, supporting myself in a competitive industry limits my volunteer time to weekends only or some evenings.) So now I'm starting feel like an inadequate Catholic because I don't volunteer, I don't go to CRHP retreats (I did once, but it only convinced me never to go on a group retreat again), I don't go to daily mass or participate in many ministries (due to me living 20 minutes from my Church on a day with no traffic), I don't teach, etc. My mind was directed on what I DO NOT DO. (Which was also a trap I fell into when Unemployed.) 

Eventually I was given a chance to speak. My mind was already a torrent of social inadequacy and still trying to figure out how I show God's love and how He shows His love for me. 

"I...I have to admit I have a hard time putting thoughts to words. Especially about something like this."

I got some encouraging coos and a few prompts to open up, but I ended up diverting the topic to the next question. Almost immediately after I had said these words, my little self-esteem demon started accusing me. "How could you not answer this question? It's so obvious! It's so obvious God loves you! He's shown you countless times and now that you're asked to share with people of your OWN FAITH you can't! What kind of Catholic are you? How are you helping the Church at all? You're so selfish!"

The second answer was simpler for me. Everyone said "My mother, mother's are naturally self-sacrificing." It was here I proudly brought up my Father who not only taught me my faith but lived it. He knew he wanted to help people with his job. He became a doctor over a priest. He worked LONG hours, gave some of his time to a charity clinic, still had time and patience for us. Never complained. Never raised his voice to us. Took good care of his mother when she was in her last years (she passed away this past March.) I found myself kind of rambling on and on about my father's virtues.

Someone complimented about how articulate I was. 

For a moment there I kind of realized that perhaps because of how I worded my previous answer, they thought I was slow or handicapped somehow. 

After the whole meeting, I went home feeling incredibly guilty and inadequate as a Catholic. I couldn't preach a gospel and I didn't work with social justice even though I know its good. Even my former comfort of BEING and not DOING wasn't helping. What I do flows from who I be. All I could see was me being selfish with the love God gave me. 

The question haunted me for a few days. Only today as I began writing this have I come to realize what ACTUALLY happened was not a weakness of faith or even what God commands. So powerful was this shame (because this is not the first time it has happened). Every time I'm put on the spot to share what I believe, I choke up and end up blurting out something to to get it off me. 

Today, while browsing facebook there was some article posted about introverts. It reminded me of the YouTube video of QUIET based on the book by Susan Cain. Which I rewatched and that lead me to read a few more articles on introverts in Church. 

I've known for a long time that I am an introvert, but it still surprises me when these Church things come up and end up hurting my faith instead of building it up...you know like how Church is supposed to. It took me 2 days thinking about that question to really come up with an answer. 

I talk to God in prayer all the time. Good, bad, mundane, or exciting, we're talking. Of course I also take time at the end of every day for formal prayer time before bed and read some Scripture. I've been doing this prayer time since I was a child. As for how I show this love, I pray for others (the ministry I am involved in prays the rosary at funeral wakes), with others and reflect. I am a person of prayer, mostly contemplative prayer and sometimes randomly bursting into song. I took time to think of quiet Saints like today's feast of St. Joseph!! 

Here is a saint that doesn't say a word in Scripture. I don't think volunteering was a thing back in the day, nor was sharing the Gospel (at least not in the evangelical sense). He worked to support his family, followed the laws of his faith, obeyed God even when it was hard. 

Also thought about St. Terese the Little Flower and St. Monica. All were contemplative. (And focused on helping their families and immediate neighbors.)

So there is stock in understanding one's personality traits. It's not that I'm stupid or lazy, but I'm working against my very nature. Many introverts struggle with this problem and being called to Evangelize terrifies the Holy Ghost out of me. (Sometimes I think I'm clever...:B) 

Anyway, this was definitely a more personal post, but there is some stock I think in understanding introverts in an extrovert culture. I'm definitely going to look into it deeper.