Being a Hero

After reading a lot of panicked news about the decline of our culture and wide-spread corruption, it feels like all one can do is stand by and watch. But we don't want to watch idly by. We want to DO, to ACT on something. And that got me thinking about Captain America...more accurately Steve Rogers.

I'm only familiar with the recent movie so that is what I'll be referencing. One of the reasons this was one of my favorite movies is Steve's single-minded devotion. It was not enough to sit and watch along the sides or support the war efforts indirectly. He wanted to act, to participate, to DO something. However, he could not participate in the normal way.

So many times, an issue will crop up that makes me feel like I want nothing more than to take up arms and march against the injustice. However, in our world there won't be just one thing, it'll be 20,000. I want to give myself to all these issues. I want to right all these injustices. But I'm not Captain America, I'm Steve Rogers, blocked at every point of entry.

I've often reminded myself that there should be one main passion in my life and that is what my energy should be spent doing. It's just so hard to choose, especially with all the noise that surrounds us. Protest this! Petition against that! March with us! Write to your representatives! Fight the injustice! It's nearly impossible to think with all the shouts for attention.

At the same time, the Church calls us to uphold Social Justice. The question is how do you answer the call?

This is when I look to St. Terese of Lisieux's story. There is the physical world where we see a lot of injustice, evil, and destruction. There is also the unseen side of things where battle rages on. The Little Way to Christ is still a way. That is the most important thing.

Stewardship is what it's known as in the Church. Our Time, Talent and Treasure are what we can give. I'm sure it has come up in a homily or two in your parish. It usually aligns with the ministry fairs where every ministry is recruiting for new members.

This past weekend, I went to my parish's ministry fair. I officially joined the parish a few months ago although I've been attending masses there for a year. (It's close to my work and after night shift, I could catch the 7:30 a.m. mass on my way home.) It's been one of my "recovery steps" to get involved with a parish community again. AND luckily this parish has a ministry for those that struggle with life's difficulties.

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew because I have a lot of hobbies I love to neglect. For now, I've signed up to join the choir, I've been part of the Prayer Warrior team (seriously an easy ministry. They email intentions and you pray for them. I love it. It also give me a good picture of how folks in the parish are doing in life. Looks like it's not all a walk in the park.). I also want to join the sewing ministry that makes prayer blankets. Because it fits with my hobby of sewing!

For starters, Church ministries are a great place to start on your walk to hero-dom. (Which may lead to martyrdom.)

In anycase, Thank Jesus for everything. He likes to work through us to help the least of his people.
(Which is why I help kitties get adopted at the pet store on Mondays. <3 I know kitties aren't people! That's more of a make me happy volunteering. Although I still have to take time out to do it.)

Easter, Remakes, and New Games

Happy Easter! I'm back from my lovely vacation with my family. Had a great time meeting my nephew. I love him so.

 So I've dusted off my gamecube after 4 years of not turning it on. The HD remake of Twilight Princess got me feeling nostalgic. I don't have an HD tv...I don't really see much of a difference between SD and HD because of my vision issues. But I also got really nostalgic and part way through my twilight princess, I started up ocarina of time and played that.

That game is real hard on me sometimes. I was swearing a LOT in frustration. (I'm bad about that. Mostly F-bombs. After falling off a ledge for like the millionth time.)
In comparison, TP is so much easier. :) It was the game that got me back into gaming so it holds a special place in my memories. The beginning is always my favorite part.

I want to play Majora's Mask again too. But I'm tempted play it on my 3ds, but I won't. I own the game already. I don't like to buy remakes if I have the console.

I've also been playing Fire Emblem: Fates. It's...interesting so far. Not sure if I like it as much as Awakening, but I am glad weapons don't keep breaking. Currently playing the Conquest storyline. I'll make a game thoughts on it later.

So that's what's been on my plate. Nostalgia, a good easter holiday...oh and a job promotion.

Holy Week 2016!!

We are nearing the end of Lent. I'm looking forward to ruining my diet again. LOL.
Seriously, it's been a good season of fasting. Not perfect but good.

So let me break down and get a little more personal than I usually do on blog. Because internet...there is no such thing as privacy.

This year has been a year of great blessings for me. I have a job and just got a promotion in the company. No longer do I work the awesome night shift, but once again return to the world of 9 -5 and two day weekends. Still poor but making it work.

This holy week I'll be blessed to see my parents physically for the first time in about 3 or 4 years. I may be 31, but I still need my mommy and daddy. I also get the pleasure of meeting my nephew for the first time before he turns 1. Still a baby and not a terrible toddler. :B For this little bumpkin, I learned how to sew stuffed animals...and then I became enthralled with the activity and started sewing for all my friends with children. (Even today Palm Sunday I'm going to a birthday party for a friend's child. I made a stuffed kitten. )

We also just had the feast of St. Joseph, one of the many Saints I should ask for more prayers. Seriously, I've been slacking on that front. I always had a group that I recited to before evening prayers.

Kind of been going through a weird patch of spiritual dryness that Lent didn't ease very much.
Still having trouble finishing books. Because when I'm home I'd rather be gaming or sewing. (Or sleeping after work wears me out.)

I'm also in a semi-emotional place where I'm in the singles rut but don't feel called to religious life. And this week I'm going to be with my baby nephew, married brother, and married friends. (I hope I don't 3rd wheel things.) I blame hormones a bit for this one.

I'm also considering starting a Catholic Gamer group for meet ups because I'm not going to meet like minded peeps on my own here. Also need to branch out beyond my clique here in Texas. It's be cool to have a convention group or something. :B

Wishing you all a Happy Holy Week and blessed Easter Season.

2016 Year in Games Review

So I really haven't played as many games as I thought I would this year but here are a few of my stand out favorites.


 1. Undertale - yeah I think this is at the top of a lot of lists. I now have the soundtrack on my iPod and some fanart as my facebook banner. Because gooood.

2. King's Quest - True return to form with enjoyable voice acting, beautiful art and storytelling...also fantastic puns. We got two chapters to this episodic game.

3. Backstage Pass - Finally got some voice acting in. :) Really kind of a refreshing date sim where the protagonist isn't a vulnerable amnesiac who let's men lock her up in dog cages. I guess that's the difference for a u.s. based date sim. Or maybe I haven't found that route yet.

4. Inquisition - It goes on the list...because it just does. Also yay for the DLC. Finally got through ONE playthrough of it. Nice set up for the next bit in the series. Bravo team...bravo.


So what am I looking forward to?
Ummm...I don't know really. I like to be surprised so I haven't been following any game news recently. :P Although I've wanted to play an older game Masamura Demon Blade...because I enjoy Vanillaware's art for the most part. And Odin Sphere is one of my top favorite games of all time.

I think this year I should dust off my older consoles. I mean that literally. They're dusty. And play some of my old games or games I've bought for my WiiU that I need to get through like Resident Evil 4. I KNOW...I'm late to the game. But I liked 6...and I need to finish 5. Not as fun as 6 for me.

Peace and Happy New Year.

UPDATE: I just realize that there's a new Fire Emblem game coming out. Shut the front door.
One same sex couple possibility but still...marriage and kids. :) Yay w00t. Putting it on my wishlist...oh wait...crumbs. There two story routues but two separate games? Well played Nintendo...well played. >:(

God's Box

Usually I'm not that inspired to write about something that is purely Catholic spiritual and then publish it, but today is different. While browsing my deviantart messages I noticed a snippet of someone's journal. The artist was describing why he was doing a somewhat controversial photoshoot of attractive, scantily clad men around religious icons, mostly having to do with the Crucifixion. The subject matter had to do a bit with the artists faith and his own struggles as a homosexual man.

However, the subject matter of the photo shoot was not what sparked my interest, it was a sentence (which I will paraphrase) that caught my attention and made me feel a strong opinion.
The phrase was: "Whether in a Church, mosque or synagog, no matter how beautiful the interior may be, I never understood why God should be trapped in a box."

Part of the idea I totally agree with. God should not ONLY BE within a church building. He must be out in the world among us all and within us. Like the kid's song, "This little light of mine" we should be Christ's light to the world shining on the hill, not under a bush.

More commonly though, I think the sentiment comes from a place where a person may not feel that they "need" to go to Church to pray or go to Confession when they can pray wherever. And yes, you don't need to go to a Church to talk to God. Despite it being called the House of God, that's not the only place God can be found. When first reading the words, I felt a bit upset that someone would think that a Church building was a sort of cage for God. (I'm sure that's not the intent, but that's what it came off as to me.)

I've heard it explained once or twice why a church building is so important and it's a concept I feel is being lost. The idea of a sacred space that is separated from the mundane. This is why I feel it's important to have beautiful art within a church. The Church is not like any other building. Not only is it sacred, God becomes truly present within the walls. Not that Creation is not beautiful and noble. There are places in Nature that are also sacred. These are mundane places that are uplifted.

The sacred space is not for God, it's for us. Outside the Sacred Space, we are confronted with life's mundane struggles, harsh realities, and heavy burden. With all the distractions of daily life, even prayer can be difficult and unfocused. The conversation with God is limited. Thus it's a good practice to have a little sacred space for prayer in your home/apartment. It makes it a little easier for us to meet God and find him.

Sacraments, Sacramentals, and Churches, God knows we need these physical things to know Him better. It's a bit sad to dismiss things as such.

That's all I really have to say on that for now. Like I said, a bit of a reaction. I did start brainstorming the game idea. It's going to be tougher than I thought.

Death and Martyrs in Games

While working on one post that just isn't going where I want it, I thought of a different topic to write about: Martyrdom. There are many examples of game characters sacrificing themselves or being sacrificed for the sake of something or other. It got me thinking about how martyrdom is treated in some game titles.

Real Martyr Stories

Historical accounts of martyrs evokes a certain reaction. Awe for their bravery (or stubbornness if one wants to be cynical about such things.), conviction, and willingness to physically suffer. The stories inspire us, perhaps make us feel bit ashamed we do not show courage in small things, but above all their sacrifice gave new life. Something great is accomplished.

For St. Maximilian Kolbe, a man was able to return to his family. In the case of the 816 Martyrs of Otranto, the Ottoman invaders failed to conquer Italy and the heart of the Church. Thousands of Christian Martyrs throughout the Roman Persecution only helped fill the Church. Good things usually happen when a martyr dies. God's work continues through them and that sacrifice. In Earthly time and space we may not see it right away of course.

There are martyrs for things other than the Catholic Church of course. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination is a martyrdom for the Civil Rights movement in a way. However, I'm most familiar with the Catholic stuff and this is a Catholic blog so that's why they get the big mention.

Now in games I tend to see certain trends in a sacrificial or martyr type death that are maybe not so great.

Romanticized Sacrifice

 It's clean, beautiful and poetic. Oddly enough it's usually a female character in this role...and most of my top-of-my-head examples come from Japanese titles. Minor spoilers ahead but...
Final Fantasy VII - Aerith's Death, Fire Emblem: Awakening - Chrom's older sister, and others.

Usually the scene is very artistic, clean and almost crudely colors the idea that "THIS GIRL WAS INNOCENT". It will most definitely inspire emotion and provide narrative motive for the surviving characters.

Heroic Death

In a similar strain, sometimes it is the player character that makes the sacrifice.  This is done in a way that somehow praises the player. The sacrifice is SO noble, other characters are in mourning, and so on. Also very artistically portrayed and such. However, I think that in part the very nature of "death" in a game world is different than a narrative death.

With my recent play through of the Mass Effect series, I found that final sacrifice really did reward the player in a way. It stroked the ego and emphasized the "nobility" of this act.

However, this isn't just an aspect of death portrayed in games. Many narrative mediums want to give the hero a glorious, heroic death.

Narrative Martyrs

Is there a way in which a sacrificial death can be made not heroic? Personally, I don't want there to be such a thing. Even the stories of real martyrs, even if they aren't over-the-top heroic, they should be treated as such. Glorifying the sacrifice in a respectful way is good, especially in narrative. It highlights how amazing a human life is. It's is worth more than we can imagine. Pardon me for getting stereotypically Catholic but God became Man to die for human life.

With the triumph over death and promise of eternal life, there is always the risk of feeling that well, death isn't really all that big of a deal. They go to Heaven, it's all good. Christians have the great example in Christ's death and Sacrifice. It's still hard though. As St. Paul says, "Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die." (Romans 5:7) Somehow though, I feel it's even more heroic for a character without such beliefs to make that same sacrifice.

Conclusion

Some part of me feels that the overly romanticized death of a major character in a game makes it cheesy. However, at the same time, that character represents several hours of time spent playing the story and "letting that go" is a big deal. It does deserve some type of "reward". 

Thinking about it now, a game character martyr is very rare. Probably because any sense of spirituality, religion, or cause is so rarely included with a main character. 

And this short thing is all I have energy to write for now. My new job is a bit tougher than the last one.

Introversion, Catholics and St. Joseph

This past Sunday, I had a mini-crisis of faith. I judged myself harshly and thought that God was probably angry at me.

I consider myself well educated in my faith and I continue to study, learn and grow. However, I know I can be wrong very often because organizing my thoughts takes a good deal of time and I want to look up teachings to be sure I'm not preaching heresy. 

On Sunday, we had a gathering of many small Christian groups for a brunch and reflection. The food was great but I sat near people that were familiar to me. We ate, socialized and then started the meeting. We broke off into groups where we were forced to sit with people that were not from our group. Naturally, this breaking out of the comfort zone was uncomfortable. We re-read the gospel reading where Jesus' command was to love others as He loves us. 

There were two reflection questions that we were discuss:

1) How does God relate His love to You? And how do you Relate that love to others.

2) Who demonstrates this love of God to you?

The first question really gave me a start and I started to think very hard. My thought process was: 

What did this question even mean? What is it really asking? Do I talk about what God has done for me or about his presence? This is kind of a personal question. Sometimes I'm an irrational being that believes God DOESN'T love me. (like I said, irrational...and even in my irrational thought I'm aware I'm being irrational. It just can't be stopped.) Is this about feelings? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS QUESTION!!! 

All the while other people in my small group are talking. An outgoing, chatty young woman answered almost immediately, while I was still mulling the question in my head. She began speaking on how much she felt God's love through the Eucharist and the self-sacrifice which she tried to show others. Which affected my thought flow.

Thought flow: Sacraments, why didn't I think of that? Duh, this should be an easy question to answer if these individuals are so quick to answer. It's so obvious to them! Why is this so difficult for me? I've studied my faith for years and I pray to God constantly. By the way God, this question is really confusing. I know there's not an obvious right/wrong answer but I'm feeling under pressure here. 

More people talk and share how they volunteer and share God's good news with others. How they work with their family and children who have bi-polar problems. (The day before I partook in a chaplet of Divine Mercy on the radio where intentions were offered for a woman with bi-polar and other mental problems.) Now the social pressure is mounting. Part of me felt like I had to show that I was JUST as Catholic as these folks. Except I don't have a family of my own and my relatives live thousands of miles away. I also don't volunteer because I don't have the time in my situation. (Single, live alone, supporting myself in a competitive industry limits my volunteer time to weekends only or some evenings.) So now I'm starting feel like an inadequate Catholic because I don't volunteer, I don't go to CRHP retreats (I did once, but it only convinced me never to go on a group retreat again), I don't go to daily mass or participate in many ministries (due to me living 20 minutes from my Church on a day with no traffic), I don't teach, etc. My mind was directed on what I DO NOT DO. (Which was also a trap I fell into when Unemployed.) 

Eventually I was given a chance to speak. My mind was already a torrent of social inadequacy and still trying to figure out how I show God's love and how He shows His love for me. 

"I...I have to admit I have a hard time putting thoughts to words. Especially about something like this."

I got some encouraging coos and a few prompts to open up, but I ended up diverting the topic to the next question. Almost immediately after I had said these words, my little self-esteem demon started accusing me. "How could you not answer this question? It's so obvious! It's so obvious God loves you! He's shown you countless times and now that you're asked to share with people of your OWN FAITH you can't! What kind of Catholic are you? How are you helping the Church at all? You're so selfish!"

The second answer was simpler for me. Everyone said "My mother, mother's are naturally self-sacrificing." It was here I proudly brought up my Father who not only taught me my faith but lived it. He knew he wanted to help people with his job. He became a doctor over a priest. He worked LONG hours, gave some of his time to a charity clinic, still had time and patience for us. Never complained. Never raised his voice to us. Took good care of his mother when she was in her last years (she passed away this past March.) I found myself kind of rambling on and on about my father's virtues.

Someone complimented about how articulate I was. 

For a moment there I kind of realized that perhaps because of how I worded my previous answer, they thought I was slow or handicapped somehow. 

After the whole meeting, I went home feeling incredibly guilty and inadequate as a Catholic. I couldn't preach a gospel and I didn't work with social justice even though I know its good. Even my former comfort of BEING and not DOING wasn't helping. What I do flows from who I be. All I could see was me being selfish with the love God gave me. 

The question haunted me for a few days. Only today as I began writing this have I come to realize what ACTUALLY happened was not a weakness of faith or even what God commands. So powerful was this shame (because this is not the first time it has happened). Every time I'm put on the spot to share what I believe, I choke up and end up blurting out something to to get it off me. 

Today, while browsing facebook there was some article posted about introverts. It reminded me of the YouTube video of QUIET based on the book by Susan Cain. Which I rewatched and that lead me to read a few more articles on introverts in Church. 

I've known for a long time that I am an introvert, but it still surprises me when these Church things come up and end up hurting my faith instead of building it up...you know like how Church is supposed to. It took me 2 days thinking about that question to really come up with an answer. 

I talk to God in prayer all the time. Good, bad, mundane, or exciting, we're talking. Of course I also take time at the end of every day for formal prayer time before bed and read some Scripture. I've been doing this prayer time since I was a child. As for how I show this love, I pray for others (the ministry I am involved in prays the rosary at funeral wakes), with others and reflect. I am a person of prayer, mostly contemplative prayer and sometimes randomly bursting into song. I took time to think of quiet Saints like today's feast of St. Joseph!! 

Here is a saint that doesn't say a word in Scripture. I don't think volunteering was a thing back in the day, nor was sharing the Gospel (at least not in the evangelical sense). He worked to support his family, followed the laws of his faith, obeyed God even when it was hard. 

Also thought about St. Terese the Little Flower and St. Monica. All were contemplative. (And focused on helping their families and immediate neighbors.)

So there is stock in understanding one's personality traits. It's not that I'm stupid or lazy, but I'm working against my very nature. Many introverts struggle with this problem and being called to Evangelize terrifies the Holy Ghost out of me. (Sometimes I think I'm clever...:B) 

Anyway, this was definitely a more personal post, but there is some stock I think in understanding introverts in an extrovert culture. I'm definitely going to look into it deeper. 

Work in Progress

Time for this blog has been rare as of late since I've been actively searching for steady work since January. It becomes hard to focus on other pleasures in life if one is in a difficult place. This trial of unemployment has been at the same time an opportunity for reflection on both the nature of finding work and how I end up spending my time.

Nature of Work
Being productive and earning reward is somehow wired into us. When we find ourselves unable to earn, we become frustrated. Perhaps it is the American way to be able to stand on your own two feet and make your own way without anyone's help. While we my view our lives in this way, it could not be farther from the truth.

Our culture also emphasizes on how much output a person produces. A worthwhile member of society is someone who is productive. I know even I myself will judge another person by how much they work or the nature of their work. To me at least a doctor seems like a better human because the nature of their work requires a very specific, hard to acquire skill. They also contribute to the health of society which to me is a worthwhile "product". Which is to say that the value placed on that "product" is higher than others.

Nature of Unemployment
It is like wearing a badge of shame at times to be unemployed and actively looking for work. The temptation is to try to find something at fault with the person, especially if you are the one unemployed. This may be because we feel so defined by the work we do or the jobs we hold. It can become our identity. Losing that identity becomes a source of discouragement. It is easy to forget something of great importance.


Perspective
God does not identify us by the job we hold or how much money we earn or even how many hours we put into a job. It is so easy to lose sight of this when happily employed or when desperately looking. I've had trying days during this time where I did not even want to get up out of bed. What was the point? I had no plans for the day. No job to do. But I had to get up. And it was by the hand of God that I would get out of bed, drink a breakfast shake, and spend some time trying to find work or finding time to go to a daily mass or sit out on my porch and pray a rosary.
It is enough to our Lord that I just be. During this time I've had a few powerful revelations. Well powerful to me at the time. The first is the reassurance that God is more concerned with who I am and not what I do. And also that God ultimately wants me to be happy.

In the Legion of Mary, our spiritual director said once: God weeps at our suffering.
It is easier to think that God is a god of wrath and that suffering is a form of punishment. I had never thought of God weeping, but it makes sense. Christ shared sorrow and joy with the people around him, he would do the same for us. At the same time, Christ also laughs with us and gives us the strength to bear the weight of our crosses.

Pruning
I know at least for me this is an OBVIOUS pruning. A couple weeks ago the gospel talked about how God was the caretaker of the vineyard and even good branches must be pruned to bear more fruit. Since I have so much "free time", it would make sense that I have more time to draw closer to God and develop some of my virtues. (Well, I have my good and bad days. :))

My faith is growing and also my trust. It is only when our trust in God is challenged that we can grow in it. My brother, who has recently landed a steady job (God be praised), had been long unemployed or under-employed. He lived off the generosity of others while looking for work. At times getting a little frustrated with God, because he had trusted him.

This is a way to shake us out of lukewarmness which is definitely something I struggle with. Once I hit "good enough" I'll stop until motivated. But I also get "mad" because I can not see the eternal plan and my suffering right now doesn't make complete sense. I can only GUESS.


Nature of the Hunt
Now all this ties into how job searching and landing a job has changed over time. I've taken classes on job hunting and find myself its student quite often. In the entertainment industry, the saying is: It's who you know. That will land you a job.
There are many techniques the utilize to better your rate of success: Networking, Marketing Yourself, and Experience. However even with all these techniques there is NO GUARANTEE.

One of the great lessons I'm relearning is that any job I've landed was through Divine Providence. I moved over a thousand miles to a strange town where I knew no one and landed my first job in 8 weeks thanks to being proactive and blessings from God. Now my network is a little wider, I'm making all the right moves, but I'm still unemployed. So I have put my faith on the line and my trust in God...and trust in my friends.

For all those seeking employment, I highly recommend praying to St. Joseph the worker. And for those getting quite desperate asking St. Jude or St. Rita for a little help may do you some good.
Also don't be afraid to ask anyone for prayers.

St. Joseph, Pray for us.