Yesterday my dad sent me a book on dating that he had heard about on a Catholic news site. He asked me to give it a read and see if it was something my sisters would enjoy. So I started reading it and got through it in one night. That is because well...I started skipping things that did not apply to me personally. I skimmed and skipped quite a lot in this book because it was advice that simply did not apply to me, did not speak to me, or I had heard so often before in Youth Group Chastity talks.
So for me it had points, but the age for which this book is aimed is younger than I am, at least mentally.
Book Summary
The book is co-authored by a husband and wife, Jason and Crystalina Evert. There are 21 chapters with "secrets" and advice for women seeking love. They pull from talks they have given, email stories they have received, various behavior and scientific studies and their own experiences. The emphasis is on instilling virtue in young women when they date offering the Catholic alternative to the secular culture's ideas of love, sex and courting. The advice includes ten "guy" behavior traits to outright avoid to prevent getting hurt. It guides the reader through a process of building self-esteem, setting standards, and what love is suppose to be. There's nothing saccharine about the advice, it's very down to earth and supplemented well with stories from young women they received letters from or spoke to.
Much of the middle of the book is about "healing" and forgiving yourself if you failed to live chaste and want to turn over a new leaf. The authors themselves have admitted their failures many times but reassure the reader that they are not undeserving of love because of it.
The last third of the book is somewhat practical as well as spiritual advice about how to live a pure life. It includes a chapter on dressing modestly, how to break up, and bringing prayer and Christ into your life to help.
The Good Stuff
Some of the studies the book quotes were very interesting and I think will have a strong effect on the point the book sets out to make. Sharing stories from real girls does add a great dimension and context for the message of each chapter. It makes it relative to the reader by putting a personal touch on the chapter's topic.
It's not soaked with reprimands or "should haves", but offers an invitation for change, to raise the bar and practical ways to change your mindset about love and relationships. They save most of the "God Talk" to one or two specific chapters about renewing your spiritual life.
The Bad Stuff
There's not so much bad about the book so much as the fact that a book like this NEEDS to exist. It seems to me that the intended audience is a sexually active or formerly sexually active teenager or young adult. They come from broken homes and lack a good father figure.
That said, it means that the intended audience is a probably someone not very familiar with their faith or in a very bad spot. So for me it was disturbing that there seems to be this epidemic unloved women who have lost faith in true love.
For this reason, the book did not speak to me. I am not the books audience. I'm much older than the intended demographic and have luckily never experienced abuse. However, I have read a secular book meant for older women to regain confidence in dating and finding true love. Many of the secular books points were relatively the same advice but geared toward an older audience and introducing the concept of Affirmation.
Oh and there is one more kind of sour note that I will mention. Because of the intended audience, which seems to be broken young women who are sexually active, it feels like there are no virgins in high school or university. To me it ignored the virgin and made her/him feel like a non-existent entity or a relic of the past. I think I read one or two stories about a girl who was made fun of for her sexual inexperience and one about a woman from the 1940s retelling how she met her husband and virginity was a given. Luckily, much of the advice applies to any woman with low self-esteem. Only the presentation makes me feel like the authors were not writing to me.
Recommendation
I could recommend this book to someone in high school or university who feels in the target demographic. Even older women with a "young girl" mentality or a woman struggling with self-esteem issues. But a little part of me feels sorry that someone needs a book like this, but that is the world we live in.
However, many of the topics within the book come from chastity talks which can come off as condescending if you are living a chaste life. I recall those talks in high school and already knowing that I was doing good. And that may have fostered some form of arrogance in me and often I recall thinking like the proud Pharisee proclaiming to God "Look I'm not like that slut crying over there. I've stayed pure and chaste. Reward me!" Only to be reminded that like the Elder brother in the story of the Prodigal Son, "You are always with me. You have everything."
Basically as Jesus said, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17)
(Still, reassurance is nice every once in awhile. It's important for virgins to find role models and pray for strength from St. Joseph, St. Raphael and the Virgin Mary. And if you're feeling tempted, St. Mary Magdalene knows how you feel.)
For my sisters, I think they might enjoy parts of the book as I did, but we are VERY lucky to have a loving father who has remained faithful to mother for nearly 30 years now. We know what marriage and love looks like, we have the good example.
For me, it just encouraged me to return to some advice I got from the other marriage advice book about Affirmation but coupled more strongly to prayer.
Last Note
There were a couple of points where I wanted to punch the book in the face for talking down guys that play video games need to grow up. This may be a reflection on the industry but its still "common knowledge" that games are for children...despite us having games rated M for mature. But that is a rant for another day and done better by someone else.
Wow, I managed to tie games into this somehow. YES. Mission Accomplished.
